voices

I'm no starving intellectual. I don't read all the right books; I don't read newspapers or contribute to any political discussions.

I met someone yesterday. This person is someone who I have wanted to meet for a long time and have always suspected that I would get along with. As it turns out, we're as different as night and day. Anything and everything that we spoke about we literally had opposing views. What was really devastating about the meeting was how disillusioned it left me feeling. I mean, this guy is a writer. This is a guy who writes for a living and he writes about things that I really identify with. So, how could we be so different?

I was walking up to the coffee shop in the village centre last night when the strangest thing happened. I wasn't really paying attention to my surrounds, just moving through my neighbourhood lie I've done a thousand times before, admiring the mountains and the colour of the twilight sky. Smelling the spring smells of new trees and lilac flowers and enjoying the feeling of the warm breeze on my face. It's not surprising that I was startled when a man on a bicycle blasted by my right side on the sidewalk. What was surprising is that the shock of the scare made me faint. The feeling was completely alien. One minute I was thinking about the upcoming summer and the next a thick black curtain was pulled over my mind. My head floated up towards the clouds and my body filled with lead. I heard the thud of my head hitting the pavement and then...nothing.

When I think back to last night and the events leading up this moment, I have to wonder if maybe I'm dead. Everything is just too unrealistic to be, well, to be real.

There was a time when I sort of felt normal. It didn’t last very long, but I remember feeling like I could accomplish anything and that I had the same chances and rights as everyone else. Of course the feeling passed into a cloud of regret and doubt about the past, my choices, the future and everything. But, there was that memory still of feeling like a normal person.

I figured out a while ago that most peoples problems come from two things: fear and loneliness. I suppose you can further dissect that into defining loneliness as “ the fear of being alone”, which, would of course make the number one-and-only problem causer FEAR. Well, I’m tired of being afraid; afraid to compete, to do the right thing, to try and to be who I want to be. I know everyone is going to wonder about many things in the coming months but if I could make just one final suggestion, wonder about fear. Wonder about who is controlling the fear and about how much happier we would be as fearless and trusting individuals.

Kian’s going?
Mmhmmm.
Oh, well that’s totally fucked.
Hmmm.
I mean these are my friends. He should know better than to hang with my friends.
Mmmm, ya. Totally.
Fuck it. I’m still goin. Fuck him.
Ya. Hey, where are ya goin?
Gotta get wine. If I’m goin to this thing I’m gonna need a wicked pre-buzz.