space

Adulting. It's not just difficult, it's exhausting. And I don't mean the part where you have to keep yourself stocked in toilet paper, or get the bills paid on time. Nor do I mean the small sacrifices that you have to make every day to maintain your responsibilities, or the lack of freedom to just 'be' that you might feel sometimes. No, what I mean is the part where you have to keep growing, be open to discomfort and disappointment, relate to people with an open heart and mind and somehow do all this without judgement or expectation while simultaneously owning your own feelings and taking care of your own needs. Adulting. So hard.

Today I'm reminded of the domino effect I set in motion when I decided to leave my marriage. J has been cultivating a relationship with a woman for the past year and is getting to the point now where he wants to involve her in the lives of our children. I know this is unavoidable, but it confuses me. I feel protective of them and my ego tell she they won't love me as much if someone else is involved. My ego makes me want to cry with horrible images of the four of them laughing and having fun on vacation, or snuggling on the couch for movie time. So, then I take control of my ego, and tell it to shut-the-fuck up. But then other things bubble to the surface. I don't want contempt in my life. I want to feel generous and open. I don't want to avoid discomfort I want to sit in it and look at it head-on and say "hello, discomfort. Come on in."

I was about to type something about wishing that I wasn't the way I am. But I don't really wish that. I'm curious and kind and brave and introverted and playful and just generally awesome. Gratitude, grace, humility, respect and love. And lately I've added compassion. For myself. And that, for today, is enough.

sloughing

Dear friends, acquaintances, and people I barely know:

I hope you’re all well :)

For personal reasons relating to the future of digital privacy, my desire to contribute to a more engaged and resilient society, and a growing disdain for social-media culture I have decided to delete my Facebook account.

You can reach me at wattlebla@gmail.com, or call!

You are all gorgeous, unique, and far more interesting than your profiles reveal…

Muah xx

Samantha

thinking

Ruminating on the politics of the individual and queer theory...

Sexual identity as we know it has developed in relation to the dominant social, political and economic forces. To this effect, the sexual identities we have cultivated are not just about sexuality (and in this regard I think i disagree with Butler). They are also about social change, class struggle, racial equality; essentially they have evolved as responses to the prevailing discourses of our society. Form that perspective, many of these “alternative” performative acts are about protest.

But then I consider Baudrillard and his theory of simulation which reduces sexuality and seductive identity to a representation of constructed reality. (Constructed by who? I still don’t quite know)

In the study of actual identity politics, L.A. Kauffman wrote that identity is central to the practice of politics, supporting the central idea behind feminism (and queer theory) and the idea that the, “personal is political”. But we seem to have moved on from there to the point where self-transformation is now equated with social transformation. We have shifted to a point where politics in only about the personal and fails to engage in any discourse about the actual systems of domination that are instructing the personal.

I don’t think we should make queer theory political. Mainly because I believe there is a very distinct difference between the performative acts that we engage in to display our gender and identity and the actual instinctive sexual acts we engage in. Sexual acts are not identity. But we have confused this point. And I think ultimately the characters of LBGTQ are enacting the contradiction between the public world of production and industry and the private world of consumption and pleasure.

We should move towards removing the personal from politics, for now, and instead focus on the actual systems of domination that are driving our culture into these various roles and performative acts. Specifically, I think we should turn our political spotlight onto capitalism and look at how the discursive power of capitalism has shaped every part of our lives and continues to do so. In that respect I believe that communication, as a political tool, can have great power simply because it can help us to become aware of the prevailing discourses that exist in our society and help us to understand more about the fact that our reality is constructed, that we are actors in framework that offers only the options that perpetuate the existing power structure. On the flip side of that, government can use communication as a tool to repress and suppress simply by the choice of language used in policy and law making. Communication channels and flow, free market of ideas, free speech - all of this is related and central to our sense of identity and tells us whether we are performing an acceptable act of identity, or a radical one.

strong again

One year ago today was the day I went on crutches for the entire summer. Today, I ran the BP from Lynn Valley to Grouse and back. Felt great. I feel strong, and healthy. And so, so grateful.

have not been blogging...

So this will be either very brief, but pregnant with subtext, or very verbose and devoid of substance. I don't hit middle ground well :)

The last time I posted here I was still on crutches. I was still pool running (faaaaaaaack, I hate pool running), still trying to negotiate my day-to-day life without the full use of my body. That was back then, this is now. I do try and remember how I felt throughout the summer. Sometimes I will remind myself while jumping out of the car to effortlessly get groceries, or running back up the stairs to get something that I forgot, just how challenging life was for me on crutches. Not even considering the emotional strain that the injury imposed, the physical side of it was incredibly demanding and I'm so grateful to be able bodied again.

The past two years have been the most challenging and rewarding of my life. I have never before allowed myself to experience the joy of taking risks, scaring myself, pushing myself the way I have. I have never before allowed myself to believe that I could accomplish what I dreamed of, to rise to my own expectations. Along the way I have had to learn how to be kind to myself though, it is still my biggest challenge.

I have some big plans for this year. Running races, growing as a parent, completing my last year of school...and all of this while having an eye on the future, sort of. Recently a friend asked me what my plans are for the future; I spent several days afterward sleepless and anxiety ridden wondering, what AM I going to do...who will I be? After much reflection I came to the wonderful conclusion that I am not a future planner, and I'm okay with that. I like flow, and when I allow flow to carry me it never disappoints. So for now, and maybe for my forever, I chose to live for today and treat every present moment like it is the future. After all, how we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

thoughts in the pool (not many)

There is no reason to have children. We're smart enough to realize that we no longer need most of us to fulfill this biological imperative to perpetuate the species. But I look at it like this: having children is like exercising your right to vote. By having my own spawn that I can raise and instil the values, ethics, culture, language, musical taste (VERY important) and morals that are important to me I am exercising my vote on how to be human. Also, helping to install some much needed coolness into the future...(I mean seriously...look at this kid!)

As an aside here, runners sure are crazy and dramatic, aren't they? (and by "they" I mean "me") Thanks to a good friend I got to laugh and feel validated despite my craziness by reading this article.

Happy trails :)

harrumph

So. Here we are. School is back in session, the kids are taking on grades 3 and 1 this year. I am fully into this new solo life having been separated from J now for over a year. I'm a student, doing quite well in most areas and learning lots on my way to a BA in 2017. Work is so-so, but is still giving me the flexibility I need to spend time with kids and school. I'm doing okay.

No passion though. Everything is flat. I want to find joy again, it's just a little elusive at the moment. Things have been spiralling downward for a couple of weeks - sort of ever since I noticed the days getting shorter and truly faced the reality that my summer was going to pass me by without ever once being able to take a step with my right leg. My feet have not stepped in the mountains for 15 weeks, my ears haven't heard the stillness of the forest. Even the simple things around the city, like the dee-doo's and the city vistas, and the clouds against blue sky are not inducing the needed appreciation of joy and beauty. I've stopped telling people I'm okay. I can't fake it anymore. And honestly, I just don't want to see anyone because I can't stand being like this. I hate me like this.