fnsf

You know that thing that we do (or, maybe that just some of us do) where you keep telling yourself that the worst possible scenario IS going to manifest in the hopes that it WON'T just because you have humbly considered it? Ya, that didn't work for me this time. Now before I continue let me clearly state that I understand the difference between my life and a life in a developing country. I understand that my situation is in no way tragic when compared to a person who has just been told they will die soon, or loose their eyesight or a limb. Yes, I realize that I still have much to be grateful for, so devils advocates and naysayers out there...hush.

I have a femoral neck stress fracture. I can't run. I can't walk. I am losing all the training and fitness that I worked for over the past two years. I will have to start back to running as a beginner.

In the end, the actual diagnosis was very anti-climactic. I had imagined sitting in a doctors office as I got the news, tears streaming down my face, sad music in the background while a montage of all my best and favourite running moments played through my head (thanks Hollywood). But, all my tears had already been cried out during the four weeks of pain that preceded that moment; by the time I finally got a doctor to say what I already knew, I was already numb.

So now I wait. Our medical system moves like molasses; a truth largely ignored by me (unsympathetically too) until I found myself a customer. I don't know the severity of my injury, although the fact that the fracture is visible on x-ray is apparently no bueno. Bone scan is next and then, if healing is taking too long or complicated in any way, surgery. Worst case scenario (and I'm almost scared to type it since it would seem that the universe is seriously fucking with my understanding of Murphy's Law) is a hip replacement. At 40, that would mean an end to my running career. Best case scenario is me on crutches for 12 weeks. Rehab after that with a slow return to running by the end of this year.

For now I have to be 100% non-weight bearing for four weeks. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Crutches hurt. And it's tiring being on one leg all day. Stairs suck. The kids are being great and helpful but they are also a lot of work. I'm on day 5...my wrists hurt and my palms are bruised. Yes, this is me complaining. And now this is me stopping. There's really no point in stating the obvious. Of course this sucks.

So, what am I going to learn from this experience? Patience. I'm going to learn to practice gratitude, grace humility and respect not just when it's easy, but also when I have to dig deep to find it. I'm going to learn to slow down. To listen to my body. To be at peace with limits.

I really thought i was immune to this outcome. I thought that the fact that I never took the running for granted would protect me from this sort of thing. But I also just wanted it so bad. I wanted to be faster, to go longer, to win. I still do. But clearly, it's just not in the cards for me.

Very sad. Very confused. I know it's just a blip in time, but I didn't need another challenge in my life right now. What I needed was a break from challenge...a few months of ease.

For now I will try to be brave, gentle, compassionate and patient. I am a runner. Running is what I do.