lost plot

I am starting to lose it. Six weeks. No running. And now it's been three weeks with no workouts at all. I wish I could say that I'm using this downtime effectively to catch up on school assignments or work, but I'm not. I'm devastated and my brain won't stay focused. I feel like shit. It doesn't feel like there is any end in sight because I still can't walk and the pain is ever-present.

Trying to have perspective. Trying to realize that there could be worse circumstances in my life. Trying so hard to see any brightness to this, but I can't. The kids are unhappy because I'm not fun and it's summer, I can't even go to the beach. At the very least I wish that I could be spending more quality time with them, doing the things they love to do, but my arms have given out after 12 days on crutches and we're house bound instead.

I don't believe that things happen for a reason. But my mind can't comprehend the situation without constantly wondering, "what am I supposed to learn from this?" People keep telling me that this will make me stronger. That someday I will look back on this as a blip in time that barely affected a lifetime of running. That when it's all over I will have lessons to take away. I don't see it that way. I think my kids are going to remember this forever as the summer they hated going to their mum's house. I think that even when I do get back to running I'm going to be so forever terrified of this happening again that I will never be able to achieve where I was again. I think that there is a good chance I might do very poorly in my courses this summer because I can't focus without movement. I just can't figure out how to fix it. And therein lies the problem...I can't fix it. I have zero control over the situation. I'm a like a prisoner of my body's failure.

I know that all sounds dramatic and self-pitying, but am feeling so very sad and don't have any strength left to be positive or strong. Wishing that I could find the silver lining, maybe tomorrow will be better.