lifecycles

I planted my veggie garden today. Took out the giant, old cedar bush and then spent 4 hours digging up all the roots and cultivating the soil. Mulched in some mushroom manure, worm castings, lime, kelp meal, and rock phosphate. Then, I planted: cucumbers, carrots, cilantro and parsley, two varieties of squash, tomatoes, three lettuces, a curry plant, two kinds of mint, jalapenos, green peppers, oregano, chamomile, garlic chives, leeks and one giant pumpkin that has to grow alone in a giant barrel. I love growing food. My garden is tiny, but I know from experience that even a small raised bed can have a high yield if it's properly maintained. We'll see.

I'm still craving solitude. Like a thirst that won't be quenched. I half-jokingly e-mailed a friend overseas about us traveling to Australia together. We met there in '98 and now that we're both in our 30's seem to be scrambling to find meaning, or lack thereof, in our lives so far. I think we both have this idea about how great it would be to go back. To be back in that frame of mind, to escape. My fantasy was crushed though, when I realized that her ideal is Melbourne and mine is Cairns - two cities on opposite ends of the continent. Fack. There's nothing for me there anyway. The man who waited for so long stopped waiting a year ago and got some young girl pregnant. The friends I had have all moved away, because no one actually lives in Cairns. And, what would I realistically end up doing? Working in a pub, drinking too much wine every weekend and...and that's just the thing. Nothing. There is no escape. Anti-up or leave the table sister.

I need to walk endlessly and smoke cigarettes and be real and not worry about time and getting up in the morning and cleaning the house and getting fuel at a good price and whether or not I've made the right choices and eating healthy and caring about all the things that I wish I didn't care about. Let's go for a walk.