been gone so long I forgot my password

Over two years since my last post. As much as I would have benefited from verbal venting over the past two years, there just wasn't enough time in the day to sleep or eat, nevermind blog. Things are settling down again though. A1 is 4 years old (!) and A2 is 22 months - I have children now, no babies. I remember the pangs of self-doubt that I began to feel when A1 was 18 months; the way my individuality started to re-assert itself, emerging from the depths of baby-mothering. It was short-lived since I got preganant very quickly, but it was a shock and I'm there again. I have these quiet moments throughout the day when no one needs me and find myself thinking about what my future will look like; what do I want to do with my life? Having babies was a welcome respite from this question. There are days when I debate the merits of having a third child, maybe in part to delay the personal goal setting and reconcilliation that will have to take place as my kids get older and more independant. It's not that I don't want to engage with myself in "real" life...it's just that there are some realities that I didn't acknowledge before having kids that I must now. I'm almost middle aged. I will never be a rock star or an astronaut (not that I wanted to be either, but being younger held more possibilities). My days of being a carefree youth are over, and I have to acknowledge that there are doors that have closed forever just by getting older. I had thought, before becoming a mother, that having children would change me. I think I actually gave up a lot of interests and friends thinking that I was entering a new chapter of life and would not be returning to myself. Mistakenly, of course. The fact is that I'm still very much my own, perfectly flawed self. Now, who is that?