insert leap here

Sitting at my desk, seeing the dappled sunlight dancing on the desktop from the window behind me...thinking about the passage of time and how out of control I feel at the moment. I sometimes wish that I wasn't a person who felt sadness, emptiness, melancholy so deeply. But then, I wonder...would I feel the highs if I didn't feel the lows? Running, oh I miss you.

To be clear, this sense of being powerless to control my future doesn't feel awkward or unwanted; it feels invigorating. There is a journey open to me that I have been avoiding for so many years, a journey into challenges, triumphs, failures, happiness, and heartache that I have carefully been avoiding through my routine life for so long. I have goals. I have worth. I have love. I have everything I need to be happy and free.

I remember running in the headwaters in March, following the river and imagining myself as a leaf being swept up and carried around with the wind. Then, a few nights ago, I had a dream of being in the desert and getting swept up by the wind in the same floaty way. I sort of wish that I could read ahead in my story and see where certain choices are going to take me; I don't feel like I have a lot of time left, and certainly not enough time to be making poor decisions that will take me off course. I'm trying to be methodical in thinking about what I want for the rest of my life. I'm trying to position myself to get where I want to be. Barring future vision glasses, I will just have to have faith in myself and the circumstances around me. Leap.