eff u

Today I am not okay. I want to be, I'm fighting to find gratitude. To find grace and humility and respect. I just really miss running. It seems crazy, that could I possibly be so attached to this activity, but it just IS that way. I can't think straight anymore. After two and half months of not running I feel like a very important piece of myself is withering. My joy is gone. And the worst part is, there is no end in sight to this situation...my leg isn't healing. It still hurts and I'm still 100% non weight bearing on crutches. I hate everyone who is running, who can run. I hate everyone, period. I'm becoming self-loathsome and regretful and stingy and mean. I'm not myself. At least, not my best self.

I know why I'm crashing today...the kids came home from their vacation with J this week. I'm so very happy to see them, but life with two little kids in this state is so, so difficult. I'm tired and sore from trying to keep up with them and take care of them...how can I possibly do this for another 6 weeks?

Shit. What a depressing post. K, there is good stuff in the world still. I'm planning a trip to see my three amazing cousins and their families after Christmas. I'm also planning to take the kids away somewhere hot and/or fun in the fall (assuming I can walk). My love is growing daily for a very special man and his love in return is a bright light in my somewhat dark life. It's summer, and the weather is fine and cheerful. Blueberries and cherries are still in season. My kids are happy, healthy, and safe and continue to amaze me with their views on the world everyday.

So, no. It's not all bad. I just really, really, really miss running. And the forest. I miss my old self.