cabin fever
Everything I needed to know I learned at summer camp.
This has been the hardest week yet. I don't know why I've hit the wall so definitively over the past few days, but the reality is that I am quickly losing my ability to retain perspective. To be perfectly honest, and wildly dramatic I admit, I don't want to be alive this way anymore. I hate my life right now. Despite the good parts, I am sufficiently beaten down by the bad parts and for the first time ever I can honestly say that I would be happy to check out early. Life for me is about freedom and movement and physical joy...without a body I have no reason to live.
But, I'm a long way from giving up completely. Which brings me back to the summer camp thing. As I was stepping into the shower after pool running today I got a text from a friend saying that her dad's pancreatic biopsy came back positive for "cells" - further testing is needed, but the family is on high alert. I thought briefly of my own situation and of the 7-billion people on this planet who are all in various stages of life, careening towards their inevitable end in various states of being. And then the song Kumbaya sprung into my head, and yes, I know it's hippie dippy, but there is wisdom in that song. Someone is dying, someone is laughing, someone is hurting, someone is loving, someone is crying, someone is laughing, oh lord kumbaya. In a lot of ways summer camp was all about loss and acceptance and impermanence. The inevitable homesickness, the camaraderie of banding together with your peers, the short time spent saturated in fun and discovery, the feeling of independence and being removed from all that was familiar - only to be returned home at the end of it all as if nothing had happened and discovering that home was not the same as it was when you left, and never would be again.
As an addendum to what I wrote above...I'm okay. A lot of what is going on mentally is due to sleep deprivation and real life stuff that is preventing me from resting. I need to rest to heal, but my life just isn't conducive to that at the moment. So I get keyed up. And then I get negative. And then I get emotional. And then I realize that the only thing that could set everything right again is to go out for a run and...well, that's a vicious circle. Oh lord, kumbaya.
This has been the hardest week yet. I don't know why I've hit the wall so definitively over the past few days, but the reality is that I am quickly losing my ability to retain perspective. To be perfectly honest, and wildly dramatic I admit, I don't want to be alive this way anymore. I hate my life right now. Despite the good parts, I am sufficiently beaten down by the bad parts and for the first time ever I can honestly say that I would be happy to check out early. Life for me is about freedom and movement and physical joy...without a body I have no reason to live.
But, I'm a long way from giving up completely. Which brings me back to the summer camp thing. As I was stepping into the shower after pool running today I got a text from a friend saying that her dad's pancreatic biopsy came back positive for "cells" - further testing is needed, but the family is on high alert. I thought briefly of my own situation and of the 7-billion people on this planet who are all in various stages of life, careening towards their inevitable end in various states of being. And then the song Kumbaya sprung into my head, and yes, I know it's hippie dippy, but there is wisdom in that song. Someone is dying, someone is laughing, someone is hurting, someone is loving, someone is crying, someone is laughing, oh lord kumbaya. In a lot of ways summer camp was all about loss and acceptance and impermanence. The inevitable homesickness, the camaraderie of banding together with your peers, the short time spent saturated in fun and discovery, the feeling of independence and being removed from all that was familiar - only to be returned home at the end of it all as if nothing had happened and discovering that home was not the same as it was when you left, and never would be again.
As an addendum to what I wrote above...I'm okay. A lot of what is going on mentally is due to sleep deprivation and real life stuff that is preventing me from resting. I need to rest to heal, but my life just isn't conducive to that at the moment. So I get keyed up. And then I get negative. And then I get emotional. And then I realize that the only thing that could set everything right again is to go out for a run and...well, that's a vicious circle. Oh lord, kumbaya.
posted by wattlebla at 20:32
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