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204 days left. I feel like a kid counting down to Christmas. To say that I'm excited is an understatement; I feel so alive with excitement that it's difficult to contain. It's sooo hard to have this secret that I feel I just want to shout out to everyone. Just a few more weeks and my body shape will start telling the story for me; until then I just have to be patient.

As for everything else, well, there's not much of interest going on at the moment. I'm still avoiding people, mostly because I don't feel like leaving the North Shore, but also because I just don't feel like talking about other people right now. I feel so self-centered and all I want to think about is me and my life right now. I know, it sounds bad and selfish. But, I'm fairly egocentric to begin with so it's not too much of a shocker. I find lately that it's difficult to concentrate when people are talking about anything that isn't of interest, so rather than insult people I'm just staying away. What I really wish is that I knew some people who had the same interests as me. Almost every day I get out into the forest and explore this amazing terrain that we call home. And, almost every day I go alone. I guess that 's another reason why I'm avoiding people lately - it's hard to have to give up time to do the things that I like to do just to spend time with other people doing the things they like to do. If that makes any sense.

This weekend marks the last working Sunday for me. I know that I should keep the shift for the money, but I loathe having to get up at 5:30am. I need slow wake-ups and quality sipping-coffee-in-my-pj's time. Plus, now that the weather is getting warmer J and I will be able to spend more time on the boat. Since he only has weekends off it's nice to get at least one day together.

The celebrity dream appearances have continued despite my resolve not to sleep in front of the TV. Last night it was David Bowie in snake skin pants telling me that he "fancied" me. God, that man is beautiful. Anyway, it seems like the commonality among all the dreams is that there is always a celebrity and they are always wearing a noticeably unusual pair of pants. Interpretations welcome - I'm stumped.

red pants

Howard Stern was in my dream last night. He slapped me on the ass while he was walking by and said something about the red pants I was wearing (I know, I would never wear red pants. Maybe it was a homage to ghost of a smile...he used to have a pair of red pants). The whole dream was very strange - it took place in a California-type post and beam house that was filled with people. I lived in the house, but despite that I kept coming across new rooms that I had never noticed before. And yes, I am aware that a house in dreams is generally thought to represent the mind of the dreamer. Anyway, there were a lot of really strange images in the dream but I suspect that had something to do with the fact that I fell asleep on the sofa with the TV on, again. TV always gives me strange dreams. Sleeping on the sofa always gives me a back ache. I should stop doing those two things.

thank you, all

Well, the reception, vis-à-vis my pregnancy, has been warm. I don’t know why I thought it would be any different, but I did. I guess I’m so worried about how my perception of myself is going to change that I figured everyone else would be too. I’m scared of giving myself up and having to think of someone else, put someone else, ahead of me. It’s no secret that I am completely egocentric; I love to think that it’s part of my charm, but truly it must be frustrating for those around me. And that’s what I’m wondering: will I still be me when I have a baby?

One thing I promise is that this will not simply become a forum on pregnancy and parenting. I do still have thoughts and ideas that are unrelated to those topics, for now.

Yesterday was amazing. According to the weatherman on the 6 o’clock news it was a balmy 16 degrees outside for most of the afternoon. After working 14 days straight I finally had a day off and it was glorious. Took the dog on a big Lynn Valley walk-a-bout: up to Lynn Canyon and then down the creek to Twin Falls where I sat on the beach for a bit a soaked up some vitamin D then back up through the side streets home. Then walked up to my mum’s for a little visit in the afternoon. It just felt so good not to have to be anywhere – working 6 days a week is too much.

I’ve been lamenting the fact that I’ve had to give up so much of the activities that make me happy; at first I wondered how I would survive without mountain biking, hockey, soccer, etc. for 9months plus recovery time. Now I’m thinking that it may be a perfect opportunity to explore the calmer side of life. I have never been much of a “rester” but I think it’s high time that I learned the value of sitting still, being still. Whether or not I’ll succeed at enjoying this lifestyle has yet to be discovered, but I am trying.

Just before I sign off...it’s 6:30pm and, despite the low hanging cloud, it’s still light outside! Soon we’ll all be buzzing with spring fever and this horrible, dark winter will just be a distant memory. Happy Spring!

An apology and an explanation, to my friends and family

This is going to be a long one. And, it starts back in 1999, so if you’re looking for a quick read you’d better move along.

In January of 1999 I was involved in a very new relationship with my would-be husband. He had just returned from three months of training in Quebec and was leaving again to move to Victoria. I was installed in a brand new high-paying job in Vancouver and was not about to leave the city for a guy I basically just met, so we settled for commuting to visit on the weekends and phone calls. For a while everything was great. We mostly met in Vancouver since J was still living on the Navy base during the first few months of the year; when we did meet in Victoria we stayed in a hotel. We were so in love and we were as careful as you can possibly be about using birth control, but I got pregnant nonetheless. For me, it was not so much that I had to make a decision. It was more like I had to accept what I knew to be my only choice. I don’t feel the need to justify my reasons for having an abortion, but I will say that it haunts me to this day. I swore after it was over that I would never allow it to happen again.

In August of 1999 I finally moved to Victoria and joined J in his new apartment. We were so happy. I started school and J was working regular hours on the base, going away only on the occasional weeklong trip. In October, the impossible happened again; I was pregnant. This time I prepared myself for motherhood since I was not willing to consider any other options. At about 7 weeks during a weekend when J was away dealing with illegal immigrant ships off the coast of Vancouver Island I started bleeding heavily and almost passed out. I rushed myself to the emergency room and was diagnosed with a ruptured tube end ectopic pregnancy. I was admitted to the hospital and scheduled for surgery. I called the base, they helicoptered J back to the mainland, I got cut open and sewn back up with 10 staples and crazy zigzag scar. Those were dark times for me. I had never considered how invasive surgery is; I felt like I’d been violated. Worse, I felt like it was somehow my fault, or J’s fault. Without family to turn to we ended up getting through it on our own, but it took its toll on both of us.

For the next 5 years we lived a carefree life in Victoria. We played hard. There was no thought of starting a family since we didn’t really believe that the military lifestyle was appropriate for children.

In 2003, when we moved back to Vancouver, we started talking about our plans for starting a family. I wasn’t ready. I suspect J has been ready for a long time, but in his soft and supportive way he has never pressured me. My goal was to own a home, be financially stable and have a flexible job situation before becoming a mother. Well, over the past two years we have achieved all of that. And so, with mild trepidation, I spent one last summer as a youth and then last August began cleaning myself up. I quit smoking (for real), stopped drinking too much coffee, started eating better and even taking vitamins. In October, I called J at work and told him the great news – I was pregnant. To say we were excited would be an understatement. Despite my reservations about giving up my “sweet” life I was excited about the prospect of becoming a mother; it would be my next great adventure. This happiness lasted a total of two days, that is until the pain started and I ended up in the emergency room being diagnosed with another ectopic pregnancy. Thankfully this one would not require surgery, but I was devastated. The Internet became a research engine as I read up on all the statistics regarding fertility and complications. Apparently, I was going to have a 50/50 shot at conceiving a viable pregnancy and with every new ectopic those stats went down. I never considered myself the infertile type, but that’s what this condition is classified under: “fertility disorders”. We recovered quickly from the October pregnancy, although I began seeing less and less of friends and family. I tried to explain a few times but I just didn’t want to rehash the details to everyone. We were told that we would have to wait three months before trying to conceive again – that would put us right in the middle of our Mexico holiday.

About a week after we got back from our vacation I knew that I was pregnant again; after three pregnancies I knew the early symptoms pretty well. At 5 weeks I went for a blood test and ultrasound to see if the pregnancy was in the right place – results were inconclusive. At six weeks I went for another ultrasound – results were good, it looked like there was an embryo in the right place. On March 4th, at 7 weeks, I went for another ultrasound and J and I saw our baby for the first time. We even got to see the heart rate: 122 BPM.

Although I feel incredibly relieved and excited about everything I’m also hesitant. There’s a lot that can go wrong in the first trimester of a pregnancy and I don’t want to be blind-sided again. So, I’ve become a recluse – net seeing anyone except J, my co-workers and a close-friend-couple who, amazingly, are having a baby about two weeks ahead of us. I need this time to get used to being pregnant, but I also need this time to hope that everything is going to work out.

I'm sorry to everyone who has been shut-out and I assure you, it's only temporary.