write-y tighty

Writing. There are three levels of writing going on for me at all times. There are the journals, the keepers of all the secrets and thoughts that are too personal to share with anyone but myself and whoever feels so inclined to sift through the detritus after I'm dead (although, I am considering willing it all to be burned). There is this blog, clearly impersonal in most regards, but a fun place to be public. And, then there is the fiction. I do churn out a fairly high volume of fiction weekly considering the fact that I only have an average of an hour a day to write. In the past couple of years I have focused mainly on three stories; or maybe it's one story with three veins...not sure yet. I write it in stages, usually getting my daily idea in the shower, or on a dog walk and then I have to hurriedly write notes on my phone or voice record a memo so I don't forget to expand on the story thought later, after the kids go to bed. Anyway, it's been growing slowly, but lately the main story is unfolding at a chaotic and unstoppable pace. The flood gates have opened and I'm trying my best to catch all the ideas and character movements. Not sure where it's all going, but really enjoying the process.

Have finally got my running back up to 5 days a week. Now I can start building the mileage again. It really does feel like I get injured every time I try to jump that 40km per week threshold; now, after spending I-don't-want-to-know-how-much money on physio and retraining the way I move and train I am hopeful that I'll be injury free for the rest of the year. Next race is in June, can't wait!

a2z5

My baby turns 5 years old tomorrow. Unlike some of my peers, I do not feel like time moves quickly. I have never been one to remark, wide eyed, "Has it really been XX years?" or "Where does the time go?" As someone who has been keenly aware of the ticking of the clock for most of my life I have a good sense of how to perceive time in "real-time". That being said, what I notice with having children is that I feel often that I have missed moments with them, or forgotten things about them. It happens when someone who doesn't see the kids often comments anecdotally on something that the kids were doing last time they saw them; 9 times out of 10 I don't remember the memory. My memories, in comparison seem banal - daily life, hurts and upsets, sleepless nights, worry. Where are all the Kodak moments? But, back to the reason I am writing tonight which is to acknowledge the end of wonderful chapter of my life; the end of babies. With my daughter turning 5 tomorrow and my son being in his 8th year I'm being opened up to a whole life of possibilities and opportunities that I thought were lost to me the moment A1 was born. Having submersed myself into the kids for so long and so completely I really feel like an intrepid explorer rediscovering the world right now. So much to do! So much opportunity and inspiration! What to do first? This next chapter is going to be exciting...the next 10 years are all about personal growth, sharing my values and interests with my children and reclaiming the independence I gave up, gladly, to mother babes. 

So, with a smile on my face and thinking of what I was doing 5 years ago right now and remembering how it felt to be so needed and required by helpless humans that I couldn't even spare the time to have a personal thought or care...I'm going upstairs to read and drink tea. Cause I can.

race report

3 hours and 17 minutes. 27 km's of mud, rain, snow and awsome-ness. I'm hooked. I love trail racing! I spent most of the race alone, following marker ribbons and listening to Kelpe, Koan, Beck, Grimes and Starfckr albums on shuffle. Best day in a long time, can't wipe the smile off my face.

Officially was 21st out of 64 women and 57th overall (out of 120 racers). Can't wait for the next one.

rainbow boom

By this time tomorrow the race will be over - I can't believe it's finally here! I've been stressing all day because I hurt myself on a run or the hockey game last weekend (gawd that sounds redundant...I am constantly hurting myself) and the pain has not exactly subsided...I think it's shin splints. I had the pain on Wednesday already and did consider cutting out the last 8 km run, but instead I decided to run the hilliest part of the race course, setting two personal best's, as my last big push before race day. Pretty typical actually ;) Anyway,  I am so excited and truly have no expectations about tomorrow other than that I want to finish (and please, please, please, please not get injured). Tally ho!

So, Rainbow Loom. Yessssss, we've entered that age domain where the "it" thing at school becomes the "only" thing in life. Although, I consider myself lucky that Rainbow Loom, a slightly creative and blessedly gun-free activity, is the first "it" thing we have to contend with, it is still completely aggravating to hear about it 24/7. Adding to the irritation is the fact that A1 does not recognize it as two words; despite J and me constantly over-enunciating in the hopes that he'll catch on he still calls it "Renbowlum" or some approximation thereof. I hear the kits have been banned in some elementary schools after fights started breaking out over trading...surprisingly our seemingly laid-back, shy little 7 year old is showing a remarkable talent for commodities and acquisitions. He has never been given a Rainbow Loom set, has never spent a penny on elastics or c-clips, yet somehow has an entire ZipLock bag full of the things. Not sure how I feel about this...slightly proud, slightly disgusted.

Rubber and silicon bands...seriously?!

other people's words

Have come across some inspiring and timely quotes lately. This one by John Steinbeck, written as advice to his own son in a letter, is simple but so profound:

"And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away."

Because we do tend to rush things. Our nature is to categorize and label our experiences and to do that we need things to be complete and definable. But the best things about life, love, creativity, art, beauty...these things are entirely undefinable. And so we rush to hold on to these precious things when all the while our rushing forward only pushes all the good stuff further away.

Also came across this great quote, by Alice Walker, about creativity:

"Creation is really a sustained period of bliss — even though the subject can still be very sad. Because there’s the triumph of coming through and understanding that you have, and that you did it the way only you could do it — you didn’t do it the way somebody told you to do it, you did it just the way you had to do it. And that is what makes us us."

I really identify with the idea of creation being intrinsically related to our "selves". Retaining individual integrity is an ongoing process in any persons life; whether you are an accountant or a writer, there will be times when you are tempted to do things in a way, other than your own, for commercial gain or success. Staying the creative course is a success unto itself.

The 25km race is next weekend. I did a 16km yesterday with no problem, my foot seems healed and my fitness is back up to where I was at the end of January. I'm so nervously excited to see how everything goes...trying very hard to curb my competitiveness and just approach the race as an experience. "Run to finish" should be my mantra, but instead I'm finding myself thinking "run to finish fast". Either way, I'm loving the sport.