space
Adulting. It's not just difficult, it's exhausting. And I don't mean the part where you have to keep yourself stocked in toilet paper, or get the bills paid on time. Nor do I mean the small sacrifices that you have to make every day to maintain your responsibilities, or the lack of freedom to just 'be' that you might feel sometimes. No, what I mean is the part where you have to keep growing, be open to discomfort and disappointment, relate to people with an open heart and mind and somehow do all this without judgement or expectation while simultaneously owning your own feelings and taking care of your own needs. Adulting. So hard.
Today I'm reminded of the domino effect I set in motion when I decided to leave my marriage. J has been cultivating a relationship with a woman for the past year and is getting to the point now where he wants to involve her in the lives of our children. I know this is unavoidable, but it confuses me. I feel protective of them and my ego tell she they won't love me as much if someone else is involved. My ego makes me want to cry with horrible images of the four of them laughing and having fun on vacation, or snuggling on the couch for movie time. So, then I take control of my ego, and tell it to shut-the-fuck up. But then other things bubble to the surface. I don't want contempt in my life. I want to feel generous and open. I don't want to avoid discomfort I want to sit in it and look at it head-on and say "hello, discomfort. Come on in."
I was about to type something about wishing that I wasn't the way I am. But I don't really wish that. I'm curious and kind and brave and introverted and playful and just generally awesome. Gratitude, grace, humility, respect and love. And lately I've added compassion. For myself. And that, for today, is enough.
posted by wattlebla at 13:14
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