Here are some things that I wish:

I wish smoking wasn't bad for me and that it was still allowed in restaurants.
I wish that I had a lot more money than I have right now.
I wish I never had to work again.
I wish the sun would start shinning and the summer would begin.
I wish I hadn't eaten all my brownies, I really need a brownie.
I wish I was immortal.

solstice

longest day of the year - summer. Everything tastes better, everything feels better everything smells better.

Thanks for this Perry...

fell into a sea of grass and disappeared among the shady blades...
children all ran over me screaming tag!
you are the one!

he trips her as her sandals fail
she says stop! i'm a girl...
whose fingernails are made of mother's pearl...

yellow buttercup
helicopters
orange buttercat
chasing after the crazy bee mad about somebody...

me and my girlfriend don't wear no shoes
her nose is painted pepper sunlight...
she loves me i mean it's oh so serious
as serious can be...

she sings a song and i listen to what it says:
if you want a friend feed any animal...
there was so much space i cut me a piece with some fine wine
it brought peace to my mind in the summertime...
and it rolled
summer....

summertime rolls

My brother is a good man - yes, I have to call him a man now that he's 22. He has a good heart and a wonderful mind and a wicked sense of humor. The thing about my brother that is different though is that I have never seen him happy. Even during good times, which during his childhood were few, there was always a flicker of sadness in his face. Today, I'm taking my brother to the lake that we discovered 12 years ago. It's been deemed our "secret" spot and has always been the place to go when troubles are mounting.

I know that there is only so far that love can go in helping the ones we love. I know that there are boundaries regarding truth. But, I hope that we're still close enough that he will be able to hear what I have to say. I just want him to start living.

day in the life

This morning I arrived at work on time and went through my regular routine. Turn off the alarm, turn on the lights and the radio, open the safe, turn on the computers, open the blinds, check the mousetraps FACK!!!! there is actually a little mouse corpse in the trap! Fackity fack fack! Don the rubber gloves and carry it's poor little rigermortissed body at arms length over to the trashcan. Goodbye little mouse.

I do not like dead things. I especially do not like dead furry things nor do I like anything to do with killing them or hurting them in any way. Now, I know that it's unacceptable to have mice running around in a Recreation Centre - it's gross. But, they only come in when it gets cold outside and we're baiting then by leaving peanut butter all over the place. So, now I'm all hebbie-jebbie'd out and I have to deal with the pompous English man who comes in every Saturday and insists on speaking French German or Spanish with me in his horrid accent. Then he has to go on and on about the 70 km that he biked yesterday and how he has just purchased some cycling shoes that were very expensive. Then my favorites come in. The old couple that sailed around the world in 1974 with their two daughters - I love them. He made me trivet last month as a thank-you for making them a list of deer-resistant plants for their daughter in Courtenay.

The rest of my 10-hour day consists of phone calls from people – some are rude, some are polite. Some I know just from their voice and can call by name. The kids come in at 11am, with their obnoxious parents who don’t see the kids in honest ways, and bring with them a constant barrage of questions. At 12 I take all the phones off the hook and go out back to breath some fresh air. I have a strong desire to flee. If I had a valid passport right now I just might.

september 3, 2006

In the dense quiet of the forest I wait. It’s been 291 days since the world went still and I have yet to see another person or any signs that there are other survivors. Why am I still here?

thisisus

Today I feel like I want to sit in the back seat of a 1979 forest green Volvo, kicking the seat with my well worn Sesame Street runners while I sob real tears and cry out," it's not fair!"

Wish I had some grapes.

Had a nice day actually - worked so hard that my muscles are tired. Still wish I wasn't such an asshole sometimes; it would make my life so much easier. How do you do it?

Clouds are coming....time to go to the movie store....get some treats....close the blinds.....vegetate.

morning after

Lately I've been feeling a little disappointed. My joie de vivre seems to be on hold. Everything is cyclical - I know that. Anyway, thanks to Mary Schmich for the words and to B.Z. for the music to go with them...

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Travel.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

nice face, shame about the rest

So what. Maybe I do have a fantasy life that takes place in the highly coveted world of movie stars. It involves beautiful clothes and make-up (on me!) and men (so many men) and interviews and scandals and money. And why not? If I were offered a couple million dollars to repeat bad lines from a bad script and show my body naked - I'd do it. Everyone is so fond of giving actors hard time for selling out. It's just a job. Not everyone is an arteest.

Ok. That was a private addendum to a conversation I had earlier today while drinking coffee at a local coffee shop that will remain unnamed. YES I'm still drinking THEIR mochas. YES I know they are the McDonalds of the coffee world. YES I know they are corporate devils. But I like duplication - don't we all, otherwise there would be no such thing as international food chains.

Anyway, I ran into an old friend at the unnamed coffee shop. Which was kind of nice even though I had gone there with the intent of reading my book while sipping sweet, sweet coffee and chocolate. But, I was happy to see him. This is a guy that I originally met at a coffee shop and then had a rather lengthy fling with almost 10 years ago. He still looks good (actually really good) and the chemistry was still there. That is the chemistry was still there until he opened his mouth. He hasn't changed at all. He is still angry with everyone for everything and views the world as his unfair playground where he can play the worthy pauper. I don't know what I ever saw in him. No, wait. I do know what I saw in him. He was hot. He was loud and outspoken and he had the same opinions that I had when I was 21. There's the key though...when I was 21.

Anyway, he ruined my mocha and wasted my time. He also marred the memory that I had of him being sexy and cool - now I'll remember him as sexy and stupid.

cossette

Sitting on the toilet with her elbows on her knees she stared down at the floor. At the corner where the partition met the tile there was an accumulation of dust and dirt. Without thinking she bent down and licked the floor.
- Why am I like this?

cilorf

I'd like to turn you all upside down.

Love is a funny thing. Sometimes I love someone so intensely that I want to hurt them. Squeeze them, bite them, scratch and twist them. Doesn't sound very romantic does it? What the hell - I am an animal after all.

Day time tickets to the Saturday show - oh how I love you.
When you are sleeping i plug your nose
is the dream of drowning?
Sinking like stones, our eyes cast out
the colours, you say - why can't I see it?
All these spaces we've been and seen
Where my foot stepped your's did too.
Forever young
I'm crying now
i want it all