nostalgia

I don't really have to try hard to find someone who has a more challenging situation in life than i do right now. I am reminded every day of just how lucky I am to be in the situation I am. To be financially independent. To be educated. To have rights and freedoms. To be well established in a beautiful city. To have children. To have the material possessions I do. Yada, yada, yada. I know it. I respect it. End of story. But, I'm kind of done with being magnanimous about my situation as well. This f*ing sucks. It's stupid and I hate it. Cue tantrum about unfairness of life here.

I haven't yet caught those first whifs of the end-of-summer. If memory serves me right, it usually comes around the beginning of August, as the heat tumbles down the mountains and the earth starts to release that desiccated smell of all the trampled matter. Right now, everywhere I look is alive. The trees are full green and brilliant, the ground is leaf-less. I love this part of summer, it transports me back through time to the summers of my childhood when staying up past 10pm was a magical experience. To when I was a teenager and used the long, warm nights to sneak around and be chaotic. Just now I thought back to the first home J and I bought when we moved back to Vancouver. It was a small townhouse in Lynn Valley. I spent that first summer riding my bike to and from work at the book store on Lonsdale and I remember so well the smells of the city as I would ride my bike home at 10:30pm after closing. I had this old 10-speed that J had pulled out of a dumpster for me (I loved it, it was red and so retro-ly perfect). One night in particular I remember riding on the sidewalk up 15th street, looking up at the stars and getting drunk on the smell of nearby lilac bushes when I suddenly crashed to the ground. As I lay flat on the boulevard with my bike tangled between my legs I looked up and saw the stars and thought, "this is a moment I'll remember". So far, I was right.

I have spent the better of the day feeling nostalgic. It came on suddenly after I showed my kids some photos of them as babies and was shocked to see a much younger version of myself in the pics as well. I studied my younger self closely in the pictures, I know what I was feeling and thinking back then, my journals help and I do remember some things despite the sleep deprivation. But I feel like the woman in those pictures is a stranger, a different version of myself. I would love to be able to go back and have a conversation with her. I would love to be able to back and tell her what she will become, how she will find the courage to make the life she wants and how she will find the strength to finally stand up and take what she wants despite all that she will lose. I would love to go back and thank her for being such an amazing and selfless mama and tell her that all her sleepless nights and boring days produced two amazing kids who are well grounded and feel loved and safe. And I would love to go back and tell her that there is definitely, most assuredly life after 40. And it's a good life.

using time the wrong way

I'm so jealous of everyone who is out running today. How can I turn these negative thoughts into positive? What if I can never run again?

Back and forth between thoughts of returning to a more zen state of non-competitive running (bargaining with the running gods..."If you let me go back I won't seek glory, I will be humble and pious) and going back to kill every race available and trashing all my PR's (F*ck you world...I'm going to come back better and stronger bitches!) Ya, neither train of thought is productive or mature.

I keep wondering how I would have dealt with this situation if I was still married; if I was still living in that unhappy, but easier life. I feel like I might not have had as much reason to keep fighting. So, for that I feel lucky in most ways right now. I can find gratitude very easily.

I'm procrastinating right now. Am spending this amazing Sunday alternating between work and writing essays (very behind in both school and job at the moment). I wish I was out in the mountains. I wish I was running.

jamaican rubber

Ever had one of those moments when something strikes you as so funny that you can't stop laughing? I've had three episodes of uncontrollable laughter in the past few months; the first one I can't even remember what it was that was so funny. No, wait...I do remember what it was. It was this stupid YouTube video: How to move a couch

I was at work when I watched it (I know, so typical right?) and got the giggles so bad that my co-worker (aka ex-husband) came downstairs because he thought I was crying. I couldn't even stop laughing to talk to him. It was that kind of laughter that is just skimming the border between laughing and crying...nothing I did could squelch it.

The second time was just recently. Actually, just on Sunday. And it was this that did it: Meditation Guide (all of Jason Headley's web-shorts are well worth checking out, imho) I watched it lying on the couch after a long and stupid day in pain and on crutches battling with life and the f*ers in it. It was the perfect antidote to all that was bringing me down in that moment and left me laughing to tears for a few minutes.

The third time was just today. And, it was a story my mum told me as she sat poolside during my poolrunning session. She caught me off guard. I laughed so hard that my laugh became silent. I had to grab the side of the pool because I couldn't stay afloat.

My mum and I haven't always had the best relationship. Despite both of us wanting to be close to one another we have always seemed to speak different languages when it comes to love and support; we rarely connect the way we wish we could. But, one of the most wonderful by-products since I left my marriage has been the metamorphosis of our relationship into something that has never been before. We get along better. When we're together, we still get annoyed, but she's different with me and I'm different with her.

Today didn't start out great. I lost my temper with the kids last night and hurt my leg. I was grumpy and depressed about my situation and all the pain this morning and feeling like I just can't do it. Feeling like I'm not strong enough to persevere anymore. Nothing is different this afternoon; I'm still a single mother, I'm still navigating work, school and life on my own without a partner or any support at home, I'm still missing running, and still so unsure about my future in every single way. But, I'm smiling because for the first time in a long while I can say that my mum made me feel better. My mum made my day.

update

Better days. That's what I'm seeing. Although, Sunday was a dark one. But I'm going to chalk that one up to the dismal weather and some serious missing. I guess there are going to be ups and downs; without running I've lost my coping mechanism. Either way, I can feel progress happening. Maybe not progress in the healing, because honestly I'm not sensing any improvement there, but progress in how I'm dealing with everything and processing each new challenge.

Speaking of which, the latest challenge is that my arms are now in constant agony. I can't lift my left arm or straighten it out fully; a by-product of crutching around for 15 days I suppose. I have to laugh thinking, "do I have to go to physio for my f*ing arms now!?" Because I just don't have the cash to support that right now. Anyway, am falling asleep every night visualizing my arms being strong and  with the positive attitude that I will wake-up with arms that work again...to be continued.

School is going okay. I really thought that with all the down time being off my feet that I would fly ahead in the assignments. But, my brain has been so drunk on pity and confusion and sadness that I really haven't used my time any better than I would have if I was busy with running and regular life. In fact, I'm dumber than I am when I'm exercising regularly. Feels that way anyway. My new plan is to continue trying to build up the pool running to 3 or 4 times per week - as long as I have no pain. The exercise is good for my sanity and apparently pool running can help to maintain fitness for up to 8 weeks. That being said, today was a different kind of triumph. I had planned to workout but felt super tired and sore. So, I  listened to my body and napped instead. Yep, turning over a new leaf. I will learn to tell the difference between the days when my body needs recovery and the days when my body needs/can be pushed. I can and will train smarter.

The in-love thing. I mentioned it a couple of posts ago, it's not without trepidation. I didn't plan on falling in love right now. It's not a convenient time, or a particularly convenient situation. I have wrestled with it, I have tried to squelch it. But, he's a really special person and so I guess I've decided to commit to it and see where things go without any expectations. It feels nice to be involved with someone who inspires and delights me, feels very nice to be in that place.

One thing that I still can't help wondering about is (yes, I'm back to thinking about running and injury again), how did this happen? I am always so curious about the cause and effect of our actions. As I re-read my journals and look back over my training plan form the past few months I think I am starting to put the pieces together and truly understand the mechanism of this injury. I can't believe how focused I was on the results of my training. How completely dis-connected I had become with what really and truly felt okay. I'm proud that I have the capacity to be an athlete, but I need some coaching on how to tame the competitive spirit that drives me. Goals for the future. Gratitude, grace, humility, respect. And limits.

lost plot

I am starting to lose it. Six weeks. No running. And now it's been three weeks with no workouts at all. I wish I could say that I'm using this downtime effectively to catch up on school assignments or work, but I'm not. I'm devastated and my brain won't stay focused. I feel like shit. It doesn't feel like there is any end in sight because I still can't walk and the pain is ever-present.

Trying to have perspective. Trying to realize that there could be worse circumstances in my life. Trying so hard to see any brightness to this, but I can't. The kids are unhappy because I'm not fun and it's summer, I can't even go to the beach. At the very least I wish that I could be spending more quality time with them, doing the things they love to do, but my arms have given out after 12 days on crutches and we're house bound instead.

I don't believe that things happen for a reason. But my mind can't comprehend the situation without constantly wondering, "what am I supposed to learn from this?" People keep telling me that this will make me stronger. That someday I will look back on this as a blip in time that barely affected a lifetime of running. That when it's all over I will have lessons to take away. I don't see it that way. I think my kids are going to remember this forever as the summer they hated going to their mum's house. I think that even when I do get back to running I'm going to be so forever terrified of this happening again that I will never be able to achieve where I was again. I think that there is a good chance I might do very poorly in my courses this summer because I can't focus without movement. I just can't figure out how to fix it. And therein lies the problem...I can't fix it. I have zero control over the situation. I'm a like a prisoner of my body's failure.

I know that all sounds dramatic and self-pitying, but am feeling so very sad and don't have any strength left to be positive or strong. Wishing that I could find the silver lining, maybe tomorrow will be better.

missing

humanimal

I took the kids to see a movie on Friday. Being relegated to crutches for the summer has severely shifted our regular program of activities together, so we're adapting. This was only the second movie I've ever take them to, it was fun. I like having older kids instead of toddlers, we can laugh and be silly together and chat, it's not physically exhausting and I really do enjoy their company. Anyway, we saw "Inside Out" and I was impressed; not usually a fan of Disney movies because of the overwhelmingly gender biased portrayals and the middle class storylines, but this one was clever, accessible and had an important message that was easy for kids to understand. The message of embracing sadness in order to achieve happiness was refreshing in a time when I feel like most movies encourage kids to be blindly courageous and triumph over others.

One thing that bothered me about the movie experience was one of the previews for an animated movie featuring assorted anthropomorphized animals. The narrator opens the preview by saying, "In the world of Zootopia, Humans never happened. Which makes Zootopia a modern, civilized world that is entirely animal." WTF!?!? Humans are animals! It drives me bonkers that people can't or won't admit this on a daily basis. I was very proud that my kids picked up on the discrepancy right away...they're so smart and engaged with their animal-ness, they were sufficiently incensed :)

So, still on crutches. Had a bone scan and CT on Friday, but no results yet. From what I could see myself of the scan images it doesn't look good; my right hip around the femoral neck was lit up like a christmas tree. I keep telling myself it will be 12 weeks. What if it's longer though? I don't know. What if I can never run again? What if my entire body is going to completely fall apart and I can never return to the level of activity I enjoy again? Dark thoughts. Mostly avoiding them, but they do creep in every once in a while.

In other news, I'm in love with a fantastic and dynamic person who is occupying a good chuck of my grey matter, so that helps a lot. Onward and upward I guess.

fnsf

You know that thing that we do (or, maybe that just some of us do) where you keep telling yourself that the worst possible scenario IS going to manifest in the hopes that it WON'T just because you have humbly considered it? Ya, that didn't work for me this time. Now before I continue let me clearly state that I understand the difference between my life and a life in a developing country. I understand that my situation is in no way tragic when compared to a person who has just been told they will die soon, or loose their eyesight or a limb. Yes, I realize that I still have much to be grateful for, so devils advocates and naysayers out there...hush.

I have a femoral neck stress fracture. I can't run. I can't walk. I am losing all the training and fitness that I worked for over the past two years. I will have to start back to running as a beginner.

In the end, the actual diagnosis was very anti-climactic. I had imagined sitting in a doctors office as I got the news, tears streaming down my face, sad music in the background while a montage of all my best and favourite running moments played through my head (thanks Hollywood). But, all my tears had already been cried out during the four weeks of pain that preceded that moment; by the time I finally got a doctor to say what I already knew, I was already numb.

So now I wait. Our medical system moves like molasses; a truth largely ignored by me (unsympathetically too) until I found myself a customer. I don't know the severity of my injury, although the fact that the fracture is visible on x-ray is apparently no bueno. Bone scan is next and then, if healing is taking too long or complicated in any way, surgery. Worst case scenario (and I'm almost scared to type it since it would seem that the universe is seriously fucking with my understanding of Murphy's Law) is a hip replacement. At 40, that would mean an end to my running career. Best case scenario is me on crutches for 12 weeks. Rehab after that with a slow return to running by the end of this year.

For now I have to be 100% non-weight bearing for four weeks. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Crutches hurt. And it's tiring being on one leg all day. Stairs suck. The kids are being great and helpful but they are also a lot of work. I'm on day 5...my wrists hurt and my palms are bruised. Yes, this is me complaining. And now this is me stopping. There's really no point in stating the obvious. Of course this sucks.

So, what am I going to learn from this experience? Patience. I'm going to learn to practice gratitude, grace humility and respect not just when it's easy, but also when I have to dig deep to find it. I'm going to learn to slow down. To listen to my body. To be at peace with limits.

I really thought i was immune to this outcome. I thought that the fact that I never took the running for granted would protect me from this sort of thing. But I also just wanted it so bad. I wanted to be faster, to go longer, to win. I still do. But clearly, it's just not in the cards for me.

Very sad. Very confused. I know it's just a blip in time, but I didn't need another challenge in my life right now. What I needed was a break from challenge...a few months of ease.

For now I will try to be brave, gentle, compassionate and patient. I am a runner. Running is what I do.