thoughts in the pool (not many)

There is no reason to have children. We're smart enough to realize that we no longer need most of us to fulfill this biological imperative to perpetuate the species. But I look at it like this: having children is like exercising your right to vote. By having my own spawn that I can raise and instil the values, ethics, culture, language, musical taste (VERY important) and morals that are important to me I am exercising my vote on how to be human. Also, helping to install some much needed coolness into the future...(I mean seriously...look at this kid!)

As an aside here, runners sure are crazy and dramatic, aren't they? (and by "they" I mean "me") Thanks to a good friend I got to laugh and feel validated despite my craziness by reading this article.

Happy trails :)

harrumph

So. Here we are. School is back in session, the kids are taking on grades 3 and 1 this year. I am fully into this new solo life having been separated from J now for over a year. I'm a student, doing quite well in most areas and learning lots on my way to a BA in 2017. Work is so-so, but is still giving me the flexibility I need to spend time with kids and school. I'm doing okay.

No passion though. Everything is flat. I want to find joy again, it's just a little elusive at the moment. Things have been spiralling downward for a couple of weeks - sort of ever since I noticed the days getting shorter and truly faced the reality that my summer was going to pass me by without ever once being able to take a step with my right leg. My feet have not stepped in the mountains for 15 weeks, my ears haven't heard the stillness of the forest. Even the simple things around the city, like the dee-doo's and the city vistas, and the clouds against blue sky are not inducing the needed appreciation of joy and beauty. I've stopped telling people I'm okay. I can't fake it anymore. And honestly, I just don't want to see anyone because I can't stand being like this. I hate me like this.

tea with hyde

sleep feather bright dance
sitting in the dark with moby
dreams about santa cruz and drive in movies
running in the desert
red rock and dust
natural setting of apocalypse
or rednecks.
can i be humble?
can i have a clean thought?
painted sketches of moments
locked in time
van sant stills
sepia tones with music underscore
waiting for that perfect shot
the moment
when it all makes sense.

fifteen

I got married on this date 15 years ago. That's all I have to say about that.

Well, here it is, September 1st. 600km of time on my feet lost. An entire summer. Feeling overwhelmed with grief and loss, but now adding to that fear. Fear of who I am. Fear of who I will become if I can't find my way back to who I was.

I thought today about the laws of the universe. I thought and thought (as I ran circles in the pool) and came to the conclusion that there is one all-governing law that rules everything. That is: everything must have an opposite. Now, before i continue let me be clear in saying that I know I didn't discover this idea...I merely remembered it. There is no light without dark, there is no ying without yang, and for every action the is an equal and opposite reaction. So following that train of thought, the purpose of life should be to find balance. And that's a tough pill to swallow because I'm not so good with balance, I always try to cheat. Like most people I try to take too much of the good stuff without paying my dues. I seem to forget (on purpose) that if I don't meet every action with an equal and opposite reaction then an imbalance will occur and eventually everything will recalibrate in a way that I don't choose and in likely a more negatively impactful way then it would have if I had just been mindful of balance in the beginning. An example...if there is a day that I choose to run then I must go to bed early to allow my body the time to recover. If I don't, if I choose to instead go out and stay up late, then I have caused an imbalance. In my case, the imbalance took 2 years to recalibrate. I thought I could just keep going and going, but the fact is that because I didn't respect my limits the balance is being forcefully restored instead. Point taken, universe. Thanks.