the day before the day before halloween

During the past month there has been a lot of speculation about the goings on at my house. People are getting tired of trying though – I can hear it in their sullen voices, barely audible on the voice messages. There could have perhaps been some terrible tragedy. Or, maybe there was nothing. Just remember, ebb and flow.....

I'm going to a Halloween party tonight. Am actually feeling pretty excited about it since the house is within walking distance to my own home and that means no curbing of the drinking because of driving. Since most of my friends have moved out of my neighbourhood I rarely get the chance to socialise on my own turf - particularly in costume.

Imagine if you will that you're stopping at the grocery store on your way home from work to pick up a few things. You're tired after a frustrating day - what you want more than anything is to be home, eating comfort food and reading a book. To be quiet and tranquil. The store is crazy, but you can't ditch out because there is no food at home and you need toilet paper. Threading your way through the throngs of after-work shoppers you manage to get everything you need in under 5 minutes and take your place in the express lane; it's longer than the rest of the lines but you say to yourself that you're not in a rush. The line slowly moves forward and after browsing the outrageous tabloid headlines you turn your attention to the cashier. You watch her complete two transactions in a row, treating the customers badly and making mistakes on their bills. You start to get that feeling in the bottom of your stomach; that feeling that you're angry and that you think the cashier is doing a bad job and that she should be treating everyone better. Finally, it's your turn. You unload your things on the conveyor belt and move a foot over to face the grumpy cashier. With a bored look she asks you if you have a value card and you hand it to her. She starts to ring in your items and accidentally scans your granola bars twice. You wait until she has finished everything to tell her that she has scanned the bars twice. She winces, looks at the screen and pulls the box of bars back out of the bag to void the second entry. You look at her more closely and are sure that what you see is the expression of someone who is fighting back tears, not rudeness. And then you start to wonder...who is this girl? She could be anyone's daughter, sister, wife, friend, enemy, lover. She could have received terrible news before coming to work today. She could be suffering from chronic pain of some sort. Suddenly the store is spinning as you look around and notice everyone in the store grinning and smiling and frowning and staring and THINKING thoughts and FEELING feelings and living in their own little worlds.

But then as quickly as it's happened the feeling goes away and you find yourself taking a bag of groceries into each hand and wishing the cashier a good day while you think to yourself, "what a bitch".

excerpt

“Tanya wants to go dancing!”
Oh, boy. 10:30pm: my hair is wet and my jeans feel too tight thanks to feminine reasons and here I am stuck at this table with a small girl clinging a gold lame purse and smelling of beer breath. I can’t get over how tiny she is. The group is discussing where to go for Rich’s 29th birthday and no one can seem to make a decision.
“I just don’t want it to end up like last year; wandering from bar to bar, staring at the hot chicks and drinking six dollar beers until it’s time to go home. Whatever we do it has to be FUN.”
“Well so we’ll fucking make it fun”
“Ya, fuck ya!” Rich falls over.
“Tanya wants to go dancing”, she says in her baby voice.
“Ya, you just want to be all hot and shit with your girlfriends – show off your underwear and shit”
I step in with my sober self.
"Rich, shut up. Mark take him outside."
“Dude, lets go for a smoke”
Tanya turns to me.
“You know I fucking hate thong underwear. Seriously, they are way too uncomfortable.”
“I know what you mean.”
“I tried them but I couldn’t stand sleeping in them so I went back to granny wear”
“Hmmmm, they’re pretty bad. There’s a reason why guys don’t wear them.”
“Oh my god, would you want to see THAT in a g-string? I mean it’s ugly enough on its own. Don’t dress it up it only makes it worse. I dated this guy once who wore the super tight little underwear and I seriously had to tell him not to wear them anymore ‘cause I just couldn’t take it. I mean I love how guys are so into their dinks and don’t even realize how ugly they are. I don’t want to see it in a g-string. In fact, I don’t want to see it at all.”
“Ya?”
“Oh my god, it’s like, get over yourselves and see the thing for what it really is…ugly. They just think it’s the greatest thing and it just makes me laugh.”
“That’s pretty funny Tanya. Never really looked at it that way.”
At this point Tanya fell off her stool and hit the table, landed one high-heeled foot on the floor and recovered with a “whoop” and by grabbing the table and upsetting the drinks.
J and I went home and did our laundry.