pensive, not depressed. thank you very much.

Choice. People talk a good game about choice; how privileged a person is to have "choice". And, truly, choice is in every way related to privilege. How much education you have, how much money you have, how many friends in high places you have...


I sometimes feel as though I haven't made very many choices over the past decade; or, more to the point, like maybe my choices have been somewhat pre-selected for me and to support them, I've allowed myself to buy into the myths that make my choices tolerable. Myths like, "I'm so lucky to have a job", or "I'm so lucky to have a nice home". I can't help but wonder lately if my choices (or, lack thereof) have been a complex avoidance, a distraction from the real issue, which is (has always been): how can I be free and happy? This question haunts me, when I look at my life I see all the trappings of a wonderful life, I have made all the right choices, but somehow it's not enough. I thought that I could make it be enough, that somehow I had made peace with the idea that life is short and should be comfortable. But I can't help thinking now that I was wrong. That even if my ideals were impossible to attain I should never have given up the quest so easily. Once upon a time I knew who I was, I was comfortable with myself, I liked myself. Now I just feel tense and wrong and lost. I don't know what to do, but I know that something has got to give.

one goal against

11pm - just got home from playing hockey on my women’s team. My no-goals-against streak was broken tonight and I'm surprisingly disappointed about it. I've been playing defence since the second game of the season and (despite the fact that J tells me this is a lofty goal); I really thought I was going to be able to hold out for the whole season. I'm just that good. At least, in my head I'm just that good. In reality, I would cry real tears of embarrassment if anyone ever shot video and showed me what I looked like flailing around the ice. But, it FEELS like I'm effing awesome:)


Have been thinking a lot about what I want to do next in life. Not my favourite topic of thought since I feel like I have been here far too many times before. With the kids getting older and school aged, and having finally made my peace with not having any more children (despite an all consuming baby-fever that turns me into a crazy woman every month) I am ready to decide what is going to fill my days for the next couple of decades. I'm still really drawn to elements of design, graphic or architectural, but the pragmatist in me says there is no way that I can be competitive with people who are going to be almost half my age with twice the experience. But then I wonder, is that just a cop out - my way of circumventing even trying anything for fear that I will fail? Probably. I am scared of failing, especially if it's at something that I really want.

Ultimately, I'm going to have to channel my inner risk taker and step off the curb.