anger management, we are just stupid animals

If there is a problem, a conflict of some sort, between two people it seems only logical that each party assume half the responsability for the conflict. Even if we end up having to agree to disagree, relationships are all about empathy and understanding. I don't profess to be accomplished at relationships; I'm not especially sympathetic towards people and although I often feel as though I can put myslf in the shoes of others, I tend to see how they are at fault instead of sympathizing with their misfortune. I am the same way with myself. In life, if a situation turns uncomfortable, or I engage in conflict I can usually see where I have contributed. I don't think this is because I am an unusually bad person, I think it's beacuse I'm unusually realistic.
Why can't we all just get along? Why can't we all just tell the truth and then laugh about it?
I have so much more I would like to write, but am at work right now and promised myself that I would not procrastinate today. We're being audited by a government agency this afternoon and I have to get a mountain of paperwork ready for inspection.

10:15 on a saturday night

have been thinking about the reno a lot today. I am so happy with the space that we've created. I love our neighbourhood. Yet, after only one month of living in and loving my house I have begun to find faults with it. It must be me...nothing is ever perfect in my world.
On an unrelated (or maybe not?) topic I have also recently become aware of the peer pressure I am succumbing to. I was thinking about the idea of having three kids instead of two (wtf?) and wondering why I feel the sway to even consider this ridiculous idea. After careful consideration, and ruling out insanity, I have to chaulk it up to peer pressure. Subconscious, mother culture, keeping up with the Joneses kind of peer pressure. I know all the logical and reasonable and personal reasons why I should never procreate again. Yet, three kids is what all the cool kids are doing these days. How is it that I managed to navigate the stormy seas of teenagehood without succumbing to peer pressure only to find myself joining the herd at the ripe age of 36? Motherhood and the domestic life is a wasteland of its own.
The kids are great. They seem to be oblivious to any social pressure so far. My son wears a dress and insists we call him Cinderella while he pretends to drive a back-hoe and my daughter wants to strip naked everywhere we go and wear only hockey gloves. I need to take a page out of their book and stop caring what people think.
"You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do." (Eleanor Roosevelt)

been gone so long I forgot my password

Over two years since my last post. As much as I would have benefited from verbal venting over the past two years, there just wasn't enough time in the day to sleep or eat, nevermind blog. Things are settling down again though. A1 is 4 years old (!) and A2 is 22 months - I have children now, no babies. I remember the pangs of self-doubt that I began to feel when A1 was 18 months; the way my individuality started to re-assert itself, emerging from the depths of baby-mothering. It was short-lived since I got preganant very quickly, but it was a shock and I'm there again. I have these quiet moments throughout the day when no one needs me and find myself thinking about what my future will look like; what do I want to do with my life? Having babies was a welcome respite from this question. There are days when I debate the merits of having a third child, maybe in part to delay the personal goal setting and reconcilliation that will have to take place as my kids get older and more independant. It's not that I don't want to engage with myself in "real" life...it's just that there are some realities that I didn't acknowledge before having kids that I must now. I'm almost middle aged. I will never be a rock star or an astronaut (not that I wanted to be either, but being younger held more possibilities). My days of being a carefree youth are over, and I have to acknowledge that there are doors that have closed forever just by getting older. I had thought, before becoming a mother, that having children would change me. I think I actually gave up a lot of interests and friends thinking that I was entering a new chapter of life and would not be returning to myself. Mistakenly, of course. The fact is that I'm still very much my own, perfectly flawed self. Now, who is that?