i wanna be a dolphin

We're going through a tough phase with the kids right now; both of them seem to be asserting their independence at the same time and in very different ways, but the result is chaos in our house...especially in the evenings. A2 is seven now and, since starting Grade 1 has morphed into a full-on kid. When he was younger I was so smug about his calm demeanor, his relative "un-boy-ness" - as if I had anything to do with it. Now, I am literally swimming in boy detritus and seriously floundering as a parent wondering, how do I connect with this hyper, loud, destructive little boy? Whenever I lose the capacity to be calm with him I pull him close for a hug. I usually try to get a hand on his back, hoping that the skin-to-skin contact thing is still beneficial. I hold him tight for as long as he'll let me in the hopes that I can help to foster the empathy and grace that he is going to need to be a man in the decades to come. But then my brother had the balls to tell me the truth. My kids lack discipline. And I know he's right. I'm a wonderful parent in terms of introducing my kids to experiences and guiding through the human experience, but I suck at teaching them how to follow the rules. I hate rules and have constructed my life almost entirely outside of them...consequently I'm passing on these ideals to my children when this is not the natural way of things; you have to learn the rules before you can break them. And so, have started a new regime at my house...a regime of parental rule and no second chances. I have had to let the kids know that I have expectations and that is they are not met there are always consequences. I hate it, but I know it's the right thing to do.

I read an interesting article from the University of Helsinki brain research department tonight. It was a synopsis of four interesting facts about the human brain. The one that intrigued me was that researchers have discovered that some humans may have the ability to "sleep" one hemisphere of their brain while awake. This would explain why some people are able have little sleep yet still be functional and healthy. As I was reading the article I was thinking, "gawd, I hope my brain does that."

slow snow falling deep

Snowy today. After our mild weather last week I was thinking that Spring might have been around the corner, but I always forget that February typically teases us with one week of mild weather. The race is fast approaching...only one more weekend to train and then I'm up! I really hope that it doesn't snow or rain for the race...is hard enough to to run 25km, much harder when I'm wet and cold.

Have been immersed in memories lately. Travelling back and forth in time, recapping moments that I haven't thought of for a while and also taking stock of where I am in the here and now. Apparently yesterday was "World Thinking Day", a day meant to encourage awareness of others and self. I think I'll honour that by contemplating how I can improve life for my children, my family and myself. Not materialistically, but ideologically speaking.

Am looking at my children differently lately. They are getting older, A2 will be 5 in one month, and they are learning so much about the world around them. Still, there is so much that I can't teach them and even more that I can't protect them from. Am having to learn how evolve into the parent of older children who can just sit back, guide gently and comfort when needed...missing the infant years when everything was certain and predictable.

dum ditty dum dum

So, am completely re-obsessed with music. Since signing on to Rdio a couple of years ago all my music listening dreams have come true...any music I want, available at anytime. I have this memory of spending 6 hours of my time once making two double sided 90 minute mixed tapes for my cousin. I was so good at making the recordings perfect and not cutting off any of the track or going into the next tune...my Akai stereo had an infallible "pause" button. Now I can make a playlist in 5 minutes and share with everyone I know.

When I was a teenager I used to head downtown every weekend to Odessey or Scratch Records to spend my money on records, tapes and posters...but it was daunting how much music there was that I would never hear. Even the act of buying an album without hearing it first was a gamble. That whole system is gone now and although I understand why some musicians, like David Byrne, are outraged at the the idea of streaming media (The internet will suck all creative content out of the world??? Really?) I think it's fuckin' awesome. I would like to think that if I had any talent, or musical ability at all, that my main objective would be to exercise it, no matter what.

remember how heavy these are to move??

Buggered my ankle again over the weekend running too far, too fast :( My new plan is to continue running how I want (the pain is manageable), finish the race and then rest it back to health for the last three weeks in March. Have not received any professional advise in formulating this plan ;)

specks

Has been a great day. Has also been one of those days where everything seems slightly surreal. The complete absurdity of my existence astounds me sometimes...it's kind of demeaning in a way. We're like these little troglodytes, ensconsed in patterned behaviour that we somehow consider meaningful and important when in fact nothing about us is important. Is fine for those of us who can create our own purpose and fulfillment in life, but I wonder...what about the rest? How do people maintain a sense happiness in life if they don't know what it's for? I'm sure this must be the reason that so many of us are depressed and unhappy. I read an article today written about the results of a study that proved loneliness is a bigger killer in old age than obesity. I believe it. Without meaningful connections and purposeful living, what would be the point?

I can feel the effects of the longer days beginning to kick in; energy is higher, outlook more positive. Must prepare for Frühjahrsmüdigkeit though...just in case.

Music right now...am finding so much amazing stuff! Grimes, Little Dragon, Kelpe are heavy on my playlist - chill and dancy, all great for running.

cleared for take-off

Big sigh of relief...am back to myself...am back to running. Have been cleared for anything under 10 km, so last week did a 6,8,10 and a another 10 km'er today. Officially, my foot/ankle is not 100%, but the running is pain free and feels great. One serious bonus about the whole situation has been taking advantage of the physiotherapists knowledge about running, specifically long distance running. I've been shown how to alter my gait and cadence in a way that not only makes me faster and less prone to injury, but is also less fatiguing. I've also got a really great daily strengthening routine that is going to help keep me strong enough to maintain running the mileage I want.

Has been a crazy weekend. Friend got married yesterday and it turned into a whole day/night affair. Fun to watch two people just getting started. Spent the night away from home last night, was both lovely and strange. Not sure if time with my own thoughts and no interruptions is really a good thing or not ;)

this may hurt a bit...

It is completely typical for me to discover a new passion and delve wholeheartedly into it, so this decision is not out of character. I've registered to run the 50 km North Face Endurance Challenge in San Francisco on December 6th, 2014. Half of my brain is pumped! The other half is like, wtf bitch?! My legs are dubious, but I know I can do it. (insert battle cry and large smile here)

f u fb

Facebook retrospective movies? Are you kidding me? Because it's not enough to post a contrived version of your daily life for semi-public consumption...now people want to condense their "memories" into a formulaic montage based on how much attention their life events generated. Holy crap, how dumb.

I dreamed about running last night. The fast, flat terrain running that I was doing in the Bahamas. It felt soooooo good to stretch my legs and run...I can't wait until it's a reality.

Finished Coupland's newest book...not sure how I feel about it. Wasn't as engaging as I was hoping it would be. That being said, it was perfectly Coupland-esque. I think he should have written it as a choose-your-own-adventure book - it would have made more sense.

race face

In order to stay fit and ready for the race in March, throughout the term of this injury, the physio suggested getting on my bike a couple of times a week. Not for fun downhilling, but for road riding...basically just get out and pedal and try to get my heart rate up. So, today I rode 27 km on my old steel GT. By pumping my Kendas up to 40psi I was able to maintain an average of 18km per hour, but omg, was it ever boring...and cold! I dressed the way I do for running and by the time I was 40 minutes in I was frozen to the bone. I do feel better today though, more like myself. I had a good laugh too as I got a glimpse of my seriously competitive nature in action today. I was riding along, pedaling, but not pushing when I suddenly got passed by a roadie. He was serious shit complete with SPD’s, tights, booties and an aluminium bike. We were just at bottom of a 2km climb so I decided to try and keep up with him; then I decided I wanted to pass him. I did it too. I passed him at the half-way point and held my lead to the top. Mind you, I was almost vomiting by the time I got to the top, but so was he. It was so fun...I’m going to f’ing kill myself trying to win this race, I know it ;)

Am so grateful for my family over the past week. My parents and my bro were so helpful while J was away...the kids are so lucky to have so much love.

ramshackle

Have been wondering lately, what is it that makes some of us so nihilistic? Why are some people so acutely aware of the finite measure of their existence? I feel that my relationship with death and the unknown is actually what gives me the ability to enjoy my life so profoundly, but at the same time it is also what separates me permanently from some people. There is a great lonely sadness that accompanies living with the reality that I will one day cease to exist. Alternately, there is also a great freedom and appreciation for life that is unattainable for people who don't face their mortality everyday. I don't see how ignorance in this regard could ever lead to bliss; bliss/peace requires authentication and authentication requires accrual of information and truth. You can't have one without the other.

Last night, had one of those dreams where everyone I’ve ever known is present. It was a large house party in a white and black house on top of a gladed hill. It was nice to see everyone briefly, but the focus of the dream was the house – room after room opened up as I explored. Through every doorway was another passage and I never did make contact with an exterior wall. I’ve read that houses in dreams represent the mind and have always marvelled at how the houses in my dreams seem endless. They also seem dilapidated, incongruous and disorganised, but that is to be expected.

Am officially tired of parenting alone. J will be home Monday...am sooooo glad we don't have to do this very often.